if you're reading this it means I'm failing, lol, I have set goals actively not being worked toward despite my full desire to do so, I'm chipping away at a rudimentary C course even though Rust is what I plan on using, my parents got home and are distracting me with logistical complaints in the other room, and I'm upset at myself for interpersonal shenanigans; that's all normal though, can I not just accept this and avoid halting in the bog? usual procrastination etc etc, and worst of all, is that boredom is tolerable..
it would be that if boredom were not tolerable, or maybe "boredom", that energy should be pushing me into action, right? if pacing/standing/sitting/laying in thought were intolerable I wouldn't do it, but it's my first go to, even above content consumption, and so this cycle locks into place of doing "nothing" and doing something unproductive; unproductive? and now another vector of pressure pulls on me, that of not letting capitalistic optimizing win, take that rest! and so on, but god damn it I want to use the time left allotted to me for my own goals, I don't want the majority of my time going to someone else and then to nobody, I should be at least number two on this list, and despite the time sink of job I still have plenty of time to rest and get a modest amount of other things done, what even is going on..
the obvious I've not mentioned is the classic and periodically effective JUST DO IT mantra nobody's unfamiliar with, and the issue with this angle is that it only works if you manage to immerse yourself into that world, which is like trying to not be an atheist for a sec, or when someone tells you to "turn your brain off" to enjoy a piece of media you want to like but can't because the details don't align, I simply can't accept bullshit (depression, is that you?), so I refuse, and yet, what is it with these people who can just do things? it's so infuriating, why the fuck is it working for you?
and the answer is.. acting? yes, I think it's beginning to come together how this works: who am I? I'm the frustrated artist who paces around their room, leaves to pee or grab food and drink from the kitchen, comes back to eat it while watching something they knew, takes the dishes back, and has now lost the "motivation" they had before they had to piss, and that, you could say, is my role, and under that role I can't just do it except on occasion, because that's how this character plays out, so.. what if I switched roles? I'm an actor after all, and if roles dictate what I can and can't do and think and feel, how bout I cheat and just be a different person..
this destroys the flimsy idea of "belief", because it's all bullshit to begin with, no matter what you do it's completely fake, so you don't have to try in vain to trick yourself because there's nothing to buy into, you're in on the magic trick, and if you're very tired of being yourself remember, that's not you, that's the script you've immersed yourself in, make a copy and tweak a few things, and there you go, another character in the roster to play, another gear to shift into, and oh would you look at that I actually have a whole blog post right above me, funny how that happened